I've finally taken action. I asked for a time out.
Unexpected right? For someone that loves him so much.
It sounds almost impossible for me to do it. Almost.
but i did.

I am consumed by so much pain that I have to do something.
I cant live my life with all these negativity. I need to change.
I used to think that i can deal with all your temper and infidelity.
I didnt expect myself to accumulate everything and blow up all at once.
but i did.

Do I love you? I used to be able to answer that straight away
and now, I don't know. I don't know if i still love you or if i can.
I'm tired.
Yes, it pains me to see you cry.
but when I was crying for 3 years, what were you doing?
Were you too blind? or did you not bother at all?

I don't want to hurt any more. I'm tired.
yes, i'm still crying for the loss of a possibility for a future together.
but at least i know, i feel at ease right now.
That i can love myself a bit more.
That i don't hate myself for letting myself down.
My heart and mind are reuniting. No more dissonance.
I don't blame myself. and I am happy.

I don't know if we'll ever be together again
or if this is really the end.
It just proves yet again that you'll never know the importance of something
until you lose it.


/bang bang. my heart is dead.